Lost In This Big World

These days I am feeling lost, like my life has no purpose.  It could be that I am approaching the BIG 4-0!! or that my children are now grown.  Yes, I know they still need me from time to time, mostly for monetary reasons and a few words of advice but never on a day to day basis like they did.  Who is with me here?

We spend the first part of our life growing up.  Our purpose is to be free, play, learn and spread our wings.  My days of being free, learning and spreading my wings were not as long as others.  I became a Mom at 16!!  Yes, you heard that right.  The day after I turned 16, I became a Mom, to the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen.  This was an amazing thing for someone who had no interest in kids at ALL.  At that moment my life forever changed for the better.  She gave me a reason to continue living and to put all of the horrible thoughts out of my head.  This is what happens when you live with a crack addict mother.  Who happened to be so high she passed out in the delivery room (we will save this story for another time).  With the help of family, his not mine, I made my way through high school.  College wasn’t an option for me, I didn’t have the money to pay for it and neither did my Dad.  The thought of ten’s of thousand’s of dollars of loans kept me from going.  My purpose filled life became being a mother to my amazing daughter, becoming a wife at 20, which was quickly followed by baby number two.  Our precious little boy.  Our family was complete.  I was content, I had purpose.  My main purpose was to be the best mother I could.  I was going to volunteer at the school or girl scouts and make sure I was at every event I could.  I was not going to be like HER!  By her, I mean my mother.

I believe I succeed.  I was a girl scout leader for years, I volunteered at the school, I was a softball coach and I was virtually at every event until.  Life fell apart.  Divorce at 32.  Then I started working in oil and gas and had to travel for work.  I did my best to be at every event I could.  It still doesn’t matter.  My daughter still resents me for leaving.  Even though this job has proved to be very lucrative for her.  She is walking away from a very expensive college with minimal debt.  I did remarry in 2012, divorced in 2013 (this is also another story for another time)

And it brings me to today, where the door is knocking on 40, my son is 18 and has begun his career in the oil and gas world, has a girlfriend (I don’t approve), he’s never home.  My daughter is going to be 24, lives in IL almost graduated from college.  What is my next purpose in life?  

I want to feel like my life has meaning again.  I want to feel whole.  I don’t want to drift through each day in a fog anymore.  I want to wake up each day with a smile and happy to be alive and ready to share the reason I was given this life.

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